Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running