Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.