Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone