job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours