Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*