Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

😤😤

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.