Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
lmao
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
just make the entire table out of coaster
These aliens are taking forever.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission