Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”