Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

i baked you a cake

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that