JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
ACED my prostate exam!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Carpe DM
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN