JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Pat is about to own someone
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.