Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Every work call, he judges.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”