Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads