Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.