Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
that wasn’t the question
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The little toadstool has spoken.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
🍛
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”