Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Who did it better?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you