Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
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How dude HOW?!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
🌲😼
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon