Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear