Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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No, you’re not getting it your honor
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.