Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.