Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock