Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”