[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
even bears disappoint their mothers
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Proofread twice, hang posters once
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
