[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
incredible google review i just found
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
