Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Anyone want a chair?

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Shortcut

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.