Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.