Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Aight bet

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane