Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Me too 😆

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.