Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.