Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

good morning

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball