Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE