Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

When someone says you are so lazy

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

I told my vodka about you.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.