[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
buys donuts instead
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?