Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]