[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers