Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie