[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral