Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense