[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
the greatest twitter interaction
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”