[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
