[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
*limbos away from your hug*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
