Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

how DARE

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.