[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them