Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to