Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

I like crazy people until they notice me

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.