Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin