Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sry

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant