[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
My dress code is business-casualty.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.