[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

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Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver


Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning


*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*


I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.


1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.


Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent


creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same


Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee