@MatCro

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

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@ObscureAaron

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

@SoAnyway1

I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

@Ygrene

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

@DaveTheAlbino

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

@TheHatStore

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

@momjeansplease

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@tastefactory

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it