Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
You Might Also Like
The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.
I’m a bus driver
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee