@MatCro

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

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@Contwixt

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@Reverend_Scott

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

@jus4golf

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

@DanKCharnley

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@WeissBrandon

I’m “yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood” years old

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@Thrill_Tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?