@MatCro

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@JRehling

The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision

@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

@C00LpenNAME

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

@huntergraybeal

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

@illTortuga

I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.

@rolldiggity

1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.

@PoodleSnarf

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

@donni

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee