[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
So we got a goldfish…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-