If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
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I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it