[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

You Might Also Like


If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.


I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.


[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?


[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom


I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”


doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one


Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.


“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it