Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Still a very good boi….

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.