(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Woke up with morning Yule Log
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
There’s always that one guy
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair