Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

no refunds

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

This cat wants you to take your pills

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.