Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

Beauty and the Beast

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.