Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

same vibe as tangled headphones

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

knights of the ikea table

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal