Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office