Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?