Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Jail

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.