Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

asked my bf how work was today

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”