Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.