Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”

“You should have asked for shaved ice.”

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit