Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”