Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!