Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.