Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Ron is short for Aaronald

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.