Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make