Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

crochet youtube is brutal

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

[montage of me giving-up]

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.