[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!