[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive