Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

hey, alexa

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Oh the world we live in…

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.