*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
“How’s your day going?”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask