Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

bat life

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .