you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.