[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I love art.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
