Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?