[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”