[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The glockness monster
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR