Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.