Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Now colored!

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

dutch so unserious

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Friends that check up on you >

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

crazy

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*