[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
there has never been a better use of this meme
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening